Starting Anew

Once again, I find myself on a grey snowy day wondering how I got here.

Once again, I am reminded that the only person who can do the work to get to where I want to be is me.

Once again, I take a deep breath and chant softly to myself that I am worth the effort it takes to be healthy.

And it takes a _lot_ of effort here in the heartland.

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I think some part of me was waiting for some sort of turn of events and then I would know NOW is the time, HERE is the place, THIS is the activity that will somehow all coalesce into the answers. I never heard anything click into place.

Yet, here I am, realizing that once again, I need to figure out how to make my life HERE, work for me HERE, without a geographical solution, without anything pointing toward perfection or even mere convenience.

The weather will never be great.  Days are short and nights are long. There is no inside space where I look forward to arriving and going into my zone and throwing it down and leaving happy and sweaty and exhausted.  The food desert means that the healthy stuff is far more expensive than I am used to paying. I have no team here, no "gym friends," no sense of belonging. I cannot do some of the things I loved to do -belly dancing, heavy lifting, running.  These are not things I can do again "someday."

These are facts.

SO, I revisit my old manifesto where I declared my own time and space and dedication to being the person God has called me to be. It looks different this time because I am different -older, more particular, creakier, weary.

So, off I go, feeling unsteady on my feet, slightly cranky that this path must be walked again, wondering if it will somehow all be worth it.

I just know I can't stay where I am.