Starting Anew

Once again, I find myself on a grey snowy day wondering how I got here.

Once again, I am reminded that the only person who can do the work to get to where I want to be is me.

Once again, I take a deep breath and chant softly to myself that I am worth the effort it takes to be healthy.

And it takes a _lot_ of effort here in the heartland.

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I think some part of me was waiting for some sort of turn of events and then I would know NOW is the time, HERE is the place, THIS is the activity that will somehow all coalesce into the answers. I never heard anything click into place.

Yet, here I am, realizing that once again, I need to figure out how to make my life HERE, work for me HERE, without a geographical solution, without anything pointing toward perfection or even mere convenience.

The weather will never be great.  Days are short and nights are long. There is no inside space where I look forward to arriving and going into my zone and throwing it down and leaving happy and sweaty and exhausted.  The food desert means that the healthy stuff is far more expensive than I am used to paying. I have no team here, no "gym friends," no sense of belonging. I cannot do some of the things I loved to do -belly dancing, heavy lifting, running.  These are not things I can do again "someday."

These are facts.

SO, I revisit my old manifesto where I declared my own time and space and dedication to being the person God has called me to be. It looks different this time because I am different -older, more particular, creakier, weary.

So, off I go, feeling unsteady on my feet, slightly cranky that this path must be walked again, wondering if it will somehow all be worth it.

I just know I can't stay where I am.

Finding Fit

Does anyone else think it is odd that no matter how much we accomplish in life, sometimes our entire self-worth boils down to our weight?

I've been feeling bloated and sluggish lately, so of course it does not matter at all that I am working lots of hours at a demanding profession, helping friends with various legal matters, been traveling extensively both for work and fun, am deep into a serious relationship with a wonderful man, got a promotion, or moved twice in the last year.

Nope, what matters is that my jeans are really freaking tight! Just moved up another skirt size.

I came across a photo yesterday and felt transported back to that moment and felt the faint stirrings of the yearning to feel the way I remember feeling that day -strong, confident, healthy.

One thing that has been drilled home this past year -fitness has no end goal.  There is no sense of completion, no checking a box, no finish line. You can't find it like gold coins then stick it in the closet to keep safe.

Once more, I find myself realizing that I have to make my life work for me where I am. There is no geographical solution.

So the first step is to make a plan.