Spring is here, and for a moment I felt a spark of energy and excitement which led me to clean my house and go grocery shopping.
That spark left the next day, which I spent in bed, mostly, feeling sad and striving for motionlessness.
I wish I understood better this strange melancholy that seems to be no respecter of sunny spring days and bright blooms. Sometimes, it feels as though the cheeriness of the sun drives me into the shadows, and its very warmth hardens my heart, which then slowly spreads to my head, my arms, my feet.
My mother had this strange shadow as well. I remember her motionless for hours sometimes, not understanding that being frozen means that no matter how much you love someone, you can't get out of bed to play, or eat, or shower, or read stories. Not asleep, she would stare at the ceiling, or out the window, and eventually lose her temper over my incessant entreaties.
Most of the time, I make bargains with myself: Take a shower, and you can take a nap. Sew 3 quilt blocks and you can stay in your pajamas all day. Put the dishes in the dishwasher, and you can eat all the chips. Put on clothes and go to work, and you can order Jimmy Johns for lunch.
Sometimes the bargains work. Mostly, I sleep, and when I can't sleep, I stare at the ceiling, and watch the shadows pass the hours.
The shadow passes, and when it does it seems like it was all a dream. How could anyone NOT be outside on this glorious day, full of bright promise? The person who could barely summon the energy to open a bag of M&Ms and napped for two hours after taking a shower must have been a character I saw in a movie.
